The Ides of March

Slept like a baby for most part of the afternoon causing me to miss church and some errands. When I woke up, it was past 1 a.m. and so I did not waste time in starting my chores which were to iron my clothes for the coming week and jotting down the things I need to buy and do before “THE SUITOR” arrives. I finished waxing the floor last week and perhaps I will repeat it the night before his arrival. I looked over my phone and I received a lot of text messages and missed calls from him. Oh how I miss the feeling of someone asking if I was okay or if I had eaten already. Hopefully, the dream would not be for long.

Before sleeping early this afternoon, someone texted me why I said that this guy is the “IT” guy, and I answered, it is because he reminds me of my dad and he retorted that isn’t it like looking for a father figure? I said no because my dad was everything I want in a father and more. I said that like my dad, “THE SUITOR” indulges me for as long as he can give it and I know when he says things, he really means it. I just wish that everything stay the way they are even with distance being an obstacle right now, relocation after all is an option in a few months.



So I ask myself, are happy days here again? Well, I am praying for that. After a series of intermittent failed relationships which I call “pseudorelationships” and the attempt at buying love and casual sex with strangers, I am ready to begin on a blank slate. I want to focus on things other than aspiring for a relationship, after all dreams aren’t made of stable relationships alone because just like everything else, there is no reassurance for its longevity. But nonetheless I am anticipating the beginning of a great love affair.(2:52 a.m.)

And so in keeping with my vow to update my blog often if not everyday, this I have to say, "Akala ko pag natulog ka buong araw, gigising ka na well rested lalo na't malamig ang weather, hindi pala!" So, my work week begins.

Some night ago, my largely idle DL account got a message from a faceless stranger, and we have been exchanging stories about each other. I hope it will be the start of a lifelong friendship. I have met some of the best people through the net over the years courtesy of social networks, blogs, mIRC and I am glad we are still together. At recently ko lang sila nameet in person which by the way confirms that I am a net junkie! Napaisip tuloy ako, I have never made friends with a guy in the real world or have I? I certainly can't remember.

After how many months even years of hiatus, I am finally back, back to reading blogs, back to making comments on posts. Too bad that I wasn't able to document the things that happened in the past months. Perhaps, some things should be left out from one's life, like Jesus who's early years were left largely undocumented. Talagang sinama ang panginoon. Ganund! =)

So, as a comeback post, I attribute this to our Director for Operations who said, "Itataya ko ang pangalan ko!" referring to his promise to increase our meager salary and then yesterday on my way home at the office's steps, narinig ko, "Nagresign na si Sir ***. Last day na niya kahapon!" Anak ng titing oh! Yun pala yun. Apparently, someone I know who said that promises are made to be broken was right!

Where have I been, why did I cease to write. Well, the answer is, I had to find myself, I still am. In the meantime, I hope, I am looking better inside and out.

Hello LJ, I think I am ready to write again.

I have been away far too long from LJ and I am an ingrate of sorts. It seemed that when I finally abandoned the bucolic provincial life, I forgot to keep in touch. Well, here is to new beginnings and that is a promise! *toast* In my absence, I have lost contact with some LJ friends but believe it or not, I always had you guys in my heart. Perhaps, it was just time for me to live the lives you shared in your blogs that I eagerly awaited night after night when I was still back in seclusion. Your stories have inspired me and now it is time to come home to LJ and share my own stories while I was gone...in the end..nothing really has changed, I am still me but with new insights to life, career, and love.

I miss my livejournal friends. I reread their posts. Somehow, it reminded me of my youth and the kind of life that I missed out on. *sigh*

It’s that time of the year when most of us try to look back on the year that’s about to end and find meaning in the events that took place. For me, there is so much to be thankful for. Career wise, it was a spectacular year. End of last year, I was a newbie and by middle of this year, when I resigned, I was at the top of the heap. I knew I could have done better. However, in general, I was satisfied with my performance. Towards the end, I thought I was burned out. In retrospect, I think it was more of my mind telling me to sort out things first to have a clear picture of my life goals.

Year after year, things change but some things in my life have remained constant like good friends, a supportive family, and the still nonexistent love life. It was this December when I thought I was ready to take the plunge again. Unfortunately, I guess, I am not ready or that I am not cut out for romance at all. Ergo, I have given up romantic pursuits indefinitely. Year 2008 will go down in my life history as the YEAR OF ME. Enough about finding the one and the lack of it! Time to be reborn and discover myself.

I maybe ending the year, yet again, as a single gay guy but that doesn’t matter at this point. I will always remain the hopeless romantic that I was born to be. I will always be the dramatic person you know. Things will definitely change in my life and your life but to my friends, you can bet I will always be here for you like I have always been. Happy New Year Everyone.

Weee...Happy 7th Birthday to my journal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Life really is unpredictable. You run away and just when you feel that you are safe you return to the same spot where everything started. I made certain decisions in my life, stuck to them, and then reconsidered them after some time hoping to have a better result. Yet, I ended up messing up everything – the same way I did before. The world changed but I didn’t. I was afraid. I have always been. The longer I am afraid, the more coward I become.

“when God knows you’re ready for the responsibility of commitment, He’ll reveal the right person under the right circumstance..”

Gudnyt

I replied:
Wow, I didn’t realize how profound your message was. Hmmm.. I had an epiphany though prior to your text so what a coincidence. Neway, I thought that the reason I’ve remained single all these years is that I’ve never found someone that I really liked. Someone who could make me laugh, opposite sa akin, loyal and doesn’t have to be goodlooking.
10.7.07
5.52am

Although I indulged into 2 pseuodaffairs, it was more carnal and borne out of my desire to experience something I wanted at that point so I indulged myself. Ergo, though I look back to that experience sometimes with some resentment, I do realize it was just that, a learning experience. 10.7.07
5.52am


A few days ago, I was griping about this – I wonder how long id be single? Will my love life just be confined to furtive glances?

10.7.07
5.54 am

My sleepless nights have started once again. I keep thinking about the past and now looking at the present, it saddens me that the ties that our forefathers have slowly built is vanishing into thin air with us young ones. I remember attending relatives parties in my youth, and tonight as I sit here, I don’t recognize half of the faces. I recognize the very old ones but not the young ones except may be 1 or 2 who are about my age. How time flies. My memory is a blur. I remember my lolo and lola now in the great beyond. When they were alive, everything seemed to be intac. But now, my world has shrunk for family is just me and my parents. Perhaps it is time to create a family of my own. Perhaps within the next 5 years.
9.24.07
2.21am

It seems that the most interesting conversations that I have had had been through SMS. Therefore, starting today, my blog shall be known as mobile conversations.

A text from the strongman: When the only tool you have is a hammer, everything begins to look like a nail. - Lofti Zadeh.
8.10.2007
10.04 pm

Don’t worry. I do go out though rarely. Mabuti na yun. Guys here in Manila make me feel guly. Hehehe. Atsaka, I have long accepted albeit with reluctance and a sensible amount of resentment that I’m born to excel careerwise and nonexistent love life. Alam mo, barely 3 months into production, and I was already off edit. Hehe.
6.5.07
1.17pm

This is how I unleash myself from the chains of boredom and loneliness – WRITING. Writing my thoughts in paper with ink or on the computer as ideas flow fluidly from MY mind to my hands. This is my own novela, unfolding before my very eyes with God the author and me the executor.

I haven't written in ages. A lot of things have happened. I have left Tacloban and gone back and now it seems I'm headed out again. So this is me, this is my life now. A nomad in an endless cycle trying to build a career in the health care arena.

The past year was great. I left Tacloban around September 2006 after the leakage controversy of the nursing boards. I knew that I could not wait any longer doing nothing. So, I uprooted myself to the metro, and thank God for ANC and the internet, I had a plan. I applied as a medical transcriptionist in one of the big medical transcription companies in the world. How I got in and the events that surrounded it was a very enriching experience. Initial interview while Bagyo Milenyo was devastating Manila, bagyong Reming for my final interview are just some of the forces I had to reckon with.

Here are some of the stuffs I jotted on my cellphone as I had no computer then:

Finally, I am home. What transpired during the past year seemed like a dream. One day, I just woke up, and I was lying in my bed once more as if everything was just a fantasy. To me, it was an incredible dream. Before I forget though, the reason for this entry is to thank a guy who is/was studying in Japan and read my journal while I was in Manila. He took the time to message me through Yahoo Messenger to express his thoughts about my blog. I hope wherever you are, everything is okay with you. My thoughts about my Manila rendezvous, I will write in a later date. For now, guys I am back and its great to read your journals again.


One of the perks of living in the metro is having a variety of radio channels to chose from, one night while I was getting ready for work, RJ underground radio had this advice, “Conserve water, shower with a friend.”


Ortigas. I remember the place with a hint of embarrassment. High-rise building, blue tower, manicured lawns, confusing multiple elevators, and a fire exit.



I could never fathom what some say about how it is important to spend Christmas with ones family even without money until the Chri of 2006. It was my first Christmas away from my mom and dad and Christmas passed as if it was just an ordinary day. In the silence of my room, I slept hoping that the day would end soon. I wanted to hide in my sleep under the comfort of my blanket as the chill of December permeated the air. I wanted total silence and the absence of laughter or cheers. All I wanted was for Christmas to end.

December 24, 2006
9.38 pm

The excitement of working in production simmered down as the whole shift turned out to be such a dud. Only 15 jobs were available that night and us newbiues were not given our share of the pie. Our supervisor turned out to be an ass and eventho I would love to work graveyard forever, his presence makes me want to reconsider.

January 14, 2007
4.42 am


So, this is the real world, meeting strangers you come to love as family but then they quickly move on, pursue other things until the next stranger comes along and everything becomes a vicious cycle.

February 13, 2007
12.11 am



Now, I understand why some guys have a string of one night stands outside of the context of a rels, and I regret not having had done the same.

May 11, 2007
4.48 pm



Never for a moment say that you are tired, never let your enthusiasm wane because then your downfall will begin.

June 4, 2007
7.26 pm


At the end of the month, we MTs get evaluated and counseled by our supervisors. For the month of February, I knew I had done quite well though I was disappointed when the stats came out as I thought they would be higher. Last night, tears welled up in my eyes when during the huddle meeting it was announced that I was among the first 5 MTs to be off edit which is a tremendous feat as our account is touted to be the hardest. Perhaps, I was right to conclude that I am destined to succeed careerwise but lovewise, a dismal failure.

June 11, 2007
6.43 pm

I must be really horny. I kept reading bastion's, dalumat's, and Tukso75's journal, and I creamed myself to satisfaction. Hehe! Thank God for LJ.

Home is where the heart is but home makes me regret things I didn't get to do in the metro. So, this is me, back home and sad. Hopefully, when I wake up tomorrow I will be back in my bed in Parañaque.

Finally, I am home. What transpired during the past year seemed like a dream. One day, I just woke up, and I was lying in my bed once more as if everything was just a figment of my imagination. To me, it was an incredible dream. Before I forget though, the reason for this entry is to thank a guy who is/was studying in Japan and read my journal while I was in Manila. He took the time to message me through yahoo messenger to express his thoughts about my blog. I hope wherever you are, everything is okay with you. My thoughts about my Manila rendezvous, I will write in a later date. For now, guys I am back and its great to read your journals again.

Sometimes i just want to crawl in bed and sleep, but I do want to put every muscle of my body to good use. I feel that every single day, signs of brain atrophy are happening within - discreetly. I am thinking of home right now. I definitely miss the fresh air. *sigh*. Life is frustrating but I still manage to smile, because I have learned that even the menial of tasks involves a science like laundrying. My Dad would laugh at me and I give him the satisfaction of every guffaw. I'm just blank...I'm leaving this cafe...

It has exactly been a month since I last gazed at the rippling waters of Tacloban. I've scoured the metro all by myself and still found my way home. I guess, I do have a good sense of direction. Been to many places within the metro for exams and interviews. I have met a handful of people during trips on the bus. I recently learned to enjoy the MRT and how it can chomp off my travel time in half is a marvel in itself. It's god's gift to the metro. I still feel sad though whenever I stare into the sky. All I see is smog even early in the morning. Friends scattered all over the metro have been clamoring for a meet up but I reckon not yet. Not until I accomplish what I came here to do. There is a lot of place to visit but first things first and that includes having a good night's rest. Goodnight everyone.